my husband blames me for his gambling problem and so does his mother?
Posted on March 10, 2008
Filed Under Gambling Discussions | 13 Comments
my husband and i are getting divorced, it hurts, but that is not the issue. he is very consumed in gambling and loses so much money daily to his addiction. while we were together, he would start fights with me just so he could have an excuse to leave and gamble. through a long distant relationship, i realized that after battling this for years, it was time to walk away for my sake and my childrens. i am wanting full custody of the children because he is very unpredictable with this addiction. he loves the kids, even though he doesn’t always do the right thing. he blames me and has turned his family against me, and they also think that my “controlling nature” has led him to escape through gambling and pornography addiction. how do i cope with this blame? am i doing the right thing by the kids?
i’d also like to add that his parents are very helpful with the children while i am a full time student and work 2 jobs part time.
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Hun You Are Doing The RIGHT THING!
You Can’t Be Blamed, Your A Strong Woman Trying To Do The Best For your Kids
Email Me At if you need to talk
Remember, God Is With You
Tell them, “yeah okay now excuse me while I go vomit.”
Of course they are going to blame you. They don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions (your husband – for gambling, the family – for bringing up an undependable person), so they take the easy route and blame an innocent person. Don’t pay attention to them and get on with your life. They don’t deserve you wasting energy on them.
Well you didn’t give much detail as to why they would put all that blame on you. But it sounds like you made the best move by leaving him.
You cope by concentrating on taking care of yourself and the kids……you are not responsible for his addictions and blaming you will wear very thin when his family has the joy of taking him to court over unpaid loans they have given him to feed his addiction….and there will be. Good Luck.
Of course they are going to blame you. You are the easy target for him and his family because you are the ex. Even if there was a shred of truth, its not your problem anymore. You are a mom that cares about her kids. You did the right thing by taking them away from a toxic situation. I wouldn’t deny visitation to the father because I don’t think it would be fair for them but the divorce was a good idea.
Stay strong.
He is 100% responsible for his addictions, be they gambling or porn. And yes, you are doing the right thing by walking away. Staying in the marriage for the kid’s sake is a big mistake….
Get out and avoid him and his family, but make sure you follow whatever agreements are set up in the divorce, so there is no excuse for him to take the kids….
Good luck!
Hun You Are Doing The RIGHT THING!
You Can’t Be Blamed, Your A Strong Woman Trying To Do The Best For your Kids
Email Me At if you need to talk
Remember, God Is With You
yes u are, ur not to blame he is forget it. u no the truth and so do your kids. they would not have a life with him right know. and they don’t need to see that. you ll get full custody, i don’t think hell pay his child support. due to no money gambling. i pray for u and the kids
Since he NOR his family is able to take the responsibility for his behavior, he/they must blame you. HIS addictions have NOTHING to do with YOU. They can shift blame all they choose. Deep down YOU know the truth, and they probably do as well.
But they will never admit it. So keep doing what you’re doing.
Look out for YOU and your children. Let them wallow in THEIR own guilt and addictions!
just make sure he pays child support,gamblers
find a way to gamble it away,or steal it A gambler needs to blame someone for his actions YES YOU ARE DOING OK,AND DON’T LET PEOPLE SAY YOUR NOT. OK.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAA FOR YOU.
No WAY!!!!! His gambling addiction is his problem and his alone, YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE of it in any way. People with addictions always try to blame somone else for them, becasue they do not have the emotional maturity to take responsibilty for their actions. Addicts families can also blame others for their childs addiction because they do not want to face the truth about what kind of person their child is and that he has issues, serious ones. Some parents are afraid to see that because they think it will refect badly on the way they raised their child or on them personally, so they usually blame the partner.
Yes, addicts of all kinds usually start fights so they can go and indulge in their addiction.
Gamblers are very sick, they will screw with your head and your money. Take care of yourself and your children, and do NOT let anyone blame you for this. We all get stressed, but it doesn’t mean we all go out and gamble. That is just another excuse. Typical addict textbook stuff.
Stay strong.
Unfortunately, I am all to familiar with this.
My fist marriage ended because of the gambling addiction of my ex-wife. I struggled for almost 5 years (the last 5 years of our 21 year marriage) and it cost me nearly all I had, literally.
First of all, it is NOT your fault. But he will try to say so, this is very normal for addicted people, be it alcohol, drugs or gambling. I still do not understand the addiction to gambling. I can understand a chemical addiction. But I went to counseling myself (she would not go) and I was told by very knowledgable people it is every bit as powerful as heroin or cocaine addiction. I believe it!
It is also, probably, the most expensive addiction. Get OUT as soon as you can, and for whatever cost! You will lose far more to stay in this relationship. His mother blindly supports her son. It is a shame as she is enabling him.
He says you are “controlling”. Of course! I was blamed for the same thing. I tried to “control” all the money! Actually I tried desparately to have enough to pay the bills! This is called “controlling”! If I even so much as bought a soda at the gas station I was chastised for wasting money. Believe they will lay everything at your feet and will not be happy until they consume every dollar, sell the furniture, charge up credit cards. I never KNEW there were so many ways to get money!
An addicted person is HELL to live with. All they care about is getting enough money to gamble more. It is ALL they care about. They will forego eating, bathing, everything, to gamble and will expect you to do the same.
My ex even “stole” checks I put in the mailbox to pay bills, tore them up and cashed checks for the same amounts to gamble. I would not know it until the bank statement or late notices came. Then I was called “controlling” because I started to take the bills to the post office to be mailed! Once when I was very ill, she would not tear herself away from gambling online (which you could do then) to take me to the hospital. I was admitted for 4 days and she never called or came to visit. She went to a gambling boat on a 4 day binge! Once she asked for more money, I said I could not that week (I could not, we had no money even to eat but I was being “controlling”). When I came home from work she sat on the sofa with a big grin. She had SOLD the grandfather clock and silverware I had inherited from my grandparents! She was proud of herself and said it would teach me a lesson for not making enough money to “care for your wife”. You want more horror stories? How about constant verbal abuse of the most vulgar kind you can imagine! I could write for hours.
Please, remember, it is NOT your fault. YOU are not a bad person. Your soon-to-be ex-husband has a very serious illness and ONLY when he loses everything and NO ONE will enable him, he will find a way out…maybe.
More advice…protect your credit! Join this “life-lock” to protect it. I am serious. Your ex-husband knows enough about you to steal your identity. My ex opened 2 credit accounts AFTER we were divorced in MY name and charged another $15,000 in gambling debt! I had to go back to court and prove I was not responsible. I did not press charges, criminally, but it cost me over $1000 in additional legal fees to get this off my record. Get a protective order as part of the divorce forbidding your ex from using your name (if you can in your state)
Be prepared for numerous obscene and vulgar calls in the middle of the night! I finally had to disconnect my home telephone and use only a cell phone. She harassed my family members for my telephone number. Please, if you have brothers, sisters, parents, warn them. they may want to change phone numbers. It took almost 4 years to “make her go away” and now it has been almost 2 years since I or anyone I know has heard from her. It is terrible. We have 2 grown sons, fortunately, they are grown. I can not talk to them about their mother. I will not say anything bad, but I can not say anything good.
And please, if you become involved with another man, tell him about this. After my divorce, I had a brief relationship with a very wonderful woman. It never got past the “friendship” stage because before it could develop, she was at this woman’s house at about 2 am banging on the door and calling her every vulgar name you can imagine and claiming to be my “wife” even though we had been divorced for almost a year. This woman and her children were terrified. She did not press charges. But she said as much as she liked me she could not expose her children to this “crazy woman”. I was very sad, but I understand.
My ex did not work and when we divorced, I had cut off her funds. I was her “enabler” and when I stopped enabling she was furious.
I actually sought and accepted work outside the country for nearly 2 years to escape this. (Good thing because it led to meeting my very wonderful and beautiful second wife while overseas)
You are doing the right thing. Do it quickly! Cover yourself and protect your children and family. DO NOT allow him access to money.
Really, you are doing the right thing. I lost so much I do not even want to think of it. I am still recovering after 7 years (financially) and probably never will recover what I had.
The only good thing now is that I have such an appreciation for simple things and a quiet moment. I appreciate my loving wife so much. It is so nice not to hear the constant abuse. I think someday you may meet another man and be the best wife ever!
)) Good luck. Believe me, the hard part is over.
But
Whatever you were providing this man with, you are now taking away. And you were providing him with SOMETHING or he would have been gone before now (he doesn’t care about you, sorry to say). Now you are denying him that. In my case it was her money. Maybe you were also earmning money, I don’t know.
Protect ALL information about yourself that you can. DO NOT give phone numbers if you can avoid it (maybe not with small children, I don’t know)
DO NOT tell him about any future relationships. Try not to give him ANY information about yourself. It will, or can, be used against you. Keep bank accounts secret, do not use direct deposit or direct withdrawls. Take the money to the bank and deposit it and if you must send him any money for any reason, use a money order. In fact I paid all bills by money orders for 2 years, then had an overseas bank account until just last year. NO I am NOT paranoid!
Remember, he knows all about you. Think of the questions they ask you for “security” puposes…he knows all the answers! You think your bank won’t allow him access to your account? Think again! When he goes in and says he is your husband (and he has a paper that says he is, remember?) and answers all the questions to the airhead 22 year old bank teller…he will get your money. She did it to me!!!!
I do not say this to scare you or sound paranoid or crazy…I assure you I am very much sane and sober, only to warn you. Be careful and cover yourself completely. If you can, and she will listen, warn his mother also or she will be next!